I just realized I got my shift covered tomorrow so I could write my term paper. That made tomorrow appear a lot better. Yes, it's gotten to that point this quarter. I'd rather write a 5 page paper than work my 3-8 shift. Hm.
<3 Thanksgiving with my friends.
Time for sleeping, then project presenting, then photo-making at dance, then room cleaning, then paper writing. Sprinkled with leftover turkey and roll sandwiches. Mmmm. I like it.

I cannot believe my feet hurt as much as they do right now.
Worst boot experience ever. They've never hurt my feet this much before.
But I guess 7 straight hours of standing in them could do that.

IN OTHER NEWS
30+ ART PIECES.
9 AMAZING ACTS.
500+ ATTENDEES.
218 CHILDREN SPONSORED.
OVER $18,000 RAISED.
God is good.


Essentially, Illumination was a huge success. At one point I looked up from where I was watching the acts to check how many people were around, and started bawling because the warehouse was entirely packed. Hardly even any standing room.
Pretty much the highlight of my time back in the States. Best night of Fall Quarter.
And I'm getting more and more plugged into Flood as I volunteer and participate in things, and I'm really loving it. The more people I meet in our church, the more events that I see our community pour into, the more I love where God has put me. How blessed am I to have found such a perfect congregation for who I am?

Time to sleep now, gotta get up to teach little ones how to dance at church in the morning, then cook cook cook all day after.

night!

So sue me, I liked New Moon. I said it when the Twilight movie came out, but I'd like to re-emphasize: If Stephanie Meyer had just gone straight to screenplay instead of novel, none of us would have had to endure her awful writing, and the story could have gone straight to making hysterically cheesy but in being that way still enjoyable fantasy vampire movies. In essence: the number of people who disdain her existence would be a lot smaller. The books make fun movies.

Don't worry though. The books are still sitting in my pile of to be disdained.


The one the I can say about the Twilight craze is that it's interesting to me because it's trendy to both like and dislike the books. Obviously in different circles its more one way or the other, but because a good clutch of the populace loves it AND a good clutch hates it, there's really not an "auto-trendy" way to go about being. So you just gotta go with what you actually think.... not what makes you look the coolest. It's an interesting and relatively unique phenomenon.

( Some random notes about the movie that some people would consider spoilers. )

My longest entry in a while is about Twilight. I am sickened. Time to sleep!

Illumination tomorrow! Buy tickets! Come! :)

GUYS. OUR GOVERNMENT IS FINALLY GOING TO DO SOMETHING.

“Dear all –
I just wanted to let you know the LRA Disarmament & Northern Uganda Recovery Act, S.1067, was passed unanimously this afternoon by Senate Foreign Relations Committee in a voice vote. We’ll be sending out a press release soon. This is a huge step forward to getting it past in the Senate and ultimately by all of Congress. Thanks for all your support and help thus far. The next step for us is ramping up the # of cosponsors so we can try to pass it through the whole Senate next month with unanimous consent.
All the best,
Peter Quaranto, Senator Feingold’s office.”

http://blog.invisiblechildren.com/?p=2931 for the full text awesomeness.

I am BATTLING with this stupid project with text. I don't want to do it.

I just wanna throw it out there:
we're tied with the Broncos now.


yeah that's right. Last season: REPEAT. only cept when we get to the playoffs, we do something with it. How about that? what a good idea.


enough chargers talk.


yeah, I'm just going to sleep now.

I realized today that the Patriots have become the Yankees of football. It's acceptable to hate them just BECAUSE, and only acceptable to love them if you are from the area. It's not quite as true as it is for the Yankees, but it is becoming that way in my brain. Because, really, when I think about it, I don't have a very good reason to dislike the Patriots, but something in my soul just wants them to lose. ><;;

in other news. Earl's makes me tired and tonight I channeled Zac at work. By which I mean I moped in the walk-in for almost my ENTIRE shift. But we do good work on days like that, so it's okay?

Flood today was really good, both times I was there. The first time (@11:00) was to help Mindi and Erin with FloodKids; the kids are doing a hip hop number for Christmas! It's to this song called the Gingerbread Man by the Yo Yo Yo Kids. They're adorable and I love teaching them to dance. The second time (@5:30/6:00Service) we had a meeting for Illumination volunteers before a really sweet service in which this woman from our church, Leeana Tankersley was guest speaking. She was absolutely fantastic. She used our current series--Consumed--to augment a conversation of a topic her new book is based on: "discovering beauty in foreign places". Foreign places being either real foreign countries, or mental/emotional foreign places. It was just good. I bought the book and started reading it before work. I already quite enjoy it, and the way she writes.

I've been having dreadlock regret today though, so that's a downer. Was going through some old pictures that I want to use for my project and kind of wanted my hair back. I kind of miss being able to be girly.

so I was thinking it would be kind of neat to instead of straight up finish school in Fall, stay enrolled as a part-time student for ONE class and do an honors thesis... assuming it would be pretty cheap right?
well apparently not.
it's just the regular fees, halved.
nn.
fuck it, i'll write my own research paper for FUN.

uc system, i hate that I am quitting you early because of money. think about that.

I'm going to write a term paper about Cameron. Essentially.

new winners.
http://www.buildingaworld.com/store/product.php?productid=16876&cat=283&page=1
http://www.buildingaworld.com/store/product.php?productid=16875&cat=283&page=1
that is all.

oh wait.

i have the best boss on the face of the planet.

that is really all.

random things have been reminding me of cameron lately.
for instance, this stupid reading I did for my photography class gave me an idea that could be really therapeutic... or really really bad for me. Its a form of "photo-therapy"... and involves photographing the absence of him. Essentially creating photographs that signify important things about the trauma/whatever. I don't know if I want to do this. But I also kind of do.
I'd end up with one really large photo of a storage container at Harvest Park.
Maybe I should just paint that shit instead.
The more I thought about it the more I realized that when I think about Cam, a particular image of us shows up in my head, and I cannot for the life of me figure out why. It was a one time visit, it wasn't... all that significant to my remembrance... but yeah. It's burned into my soul apparently.

I should go to sleep.

Things I need to do:

• start painting and taking pictures again on a regular basis. I can never be good at my art if I don't do it.
• figure out where the line between seeking to be better and loving myself for who I am is. this is a big one.
• write. write, write, write.

That is all for today.

there was nothing bad about today. legitimately nothing. everything I did, everyone I talked to... it was all good.
so why, WHY, within fifteen minutes of being at work did I decide I was going to spend the rest of/as much as I possibly could of my shift in the walk-in? sulking? being emo? clamming up inside?
I really hate when I have mood swings like this because I don't understand them.
I need to see someone. haha, anyone have recommendations for me?
Legit though, I'm sad I missed this chargers game a lot. That nap apparently didn't even do me much good.
Today I am also aggravated on a dependency that I'm forming that I really can't allow myself to have. I've got to be dependent, but on God. Only on God. And this... is not God, nor healthy. Dunno what to do about it.
Time for me to turn off my brain. kthnxbye.

So. I think I may need to cut back on my caffeine intake.
Which is interesting because on a whole I'm drinking less caffeine than last year, just in a different form?
But like.
My body is having a crisis right now, in all different forms of symptoms (Saturday-Stabbing chest pains and constrictions all around my rib cage; Sunday-debilitating headache; Wednesday-Sudden out of the blue abdominal cramps which proceeded to consume back muscles as well). And the only thing I can think of that I'm doing wrong to it is drinking too much caffeine.
Because, on a whole, I am being a healthier person. I exercise more, I take the stairs at least 60% of the time (its usually after I already feel like a disaster that I sprawl into the elevator, too), I eat breakfasts of an egg and cheese bagel sandwich or a bowl of cheerios with a banana almost everyday, I eat small meals interspersed with a clif bar or two... I don't know. Like, I'm not miss super healthy super fit or anything, but I can't think of how any of my daily habits would be causing my physical systems to break down other than perhaps my dosage of caffeine.
Interestingly though, I think my headache on Sunday was compounded by the fact that I HADN'T had caffeine all day. Because it lessened more, if not disappeared, after a shot of espresso, than it did when I took the 2 Extra Strength Tylenol and hour and 15 minutes prior.

really. I should probably see a doctor.

but what do I tell a doctor? "Everything is broken, fix me"??

Yeha. I don't know. I'm going to bed now.

So I um, am just finishing the audiobook of The Temple of the Winds, and was pretty stoked cuz I thought I was done with the Sword of Truth series....
I'm not sure how I missed that it wasn't 4 books long but was in fact 11.
lolz.
I'm totally effed. I need to get the books from the library and actually READ.

UM. IF ANYONE IS LOOKING FOR A CHRISTMAS PRESENT FOR ME. HERE IS AN IDEA.
Beautiful Matted Explodingdog Prints

Like for instance:
You read BOOKS? Fuck that, I just take pills.
or
Lazer Eyes in Love
or
Come with me and things are going to get really weird.
OR
OR
OR
That's what you get for fucking with my Monday Morning.

ilovesambrown.

the end. :)

Oh I really ought to mention... Normal prints would make me just as full of glee. haha

Retrospective thinking on my part:
getting attached to Joss Whedon shows is a really bad idea. Fox likes to axe them.
Dollhouse didn't get good ratings last season. I WONDER. WHY. [timeslot:9pmfriday].
but i loves it.
the characters have all really grown on me from beginning of season 1 to now. I especially like Season 2. I especially like the men in season 2. They're better styled, so way more freaking adorable *cough*topher*cough*, and are all developing fabulous moral dilemmas and complexities. Wooohoo dynamic characters!
that is all.
Midterms are over, so today I:
shopped for my halloween costume
fought with unexpected cramps
watched episodes 1-4 of dollhouse season 2
and now am cleaning my room while my sheets dry.

<3

agh.
Weird evening.
shouldn't have been weird cuz it was the beginning of Saturday Night Dinners in the 09-10 school year, and that's always exciting.
But I was just in a wacko mood all night. Did a lot of construction and room cleaning. Got curtains now, and cool black squares on my walls, one of which has the Red Robot City from exploding dog on it. <3
And yet. Something Mike did severely amused me for approximately 5 minutes, then all of a sudden it was everything but funny.
I'm quite tired now and really should just go to sleep. But I HATE going to sleep in a funk.
Stupid.

My head has started to kind of itch a lot from my hair.
And I legitimately can't remember when I washed it last, but I know that it was at least before Monday. So. Its probably about time. o_O
Sometimes I feel gross for it and and want to take my dreads out.
But then I remember that I kinda like them and haven't really gotten a chance to rock them with the proper apparel yet cuz it's too damn hot in San Diego.
They have to stay at least until snowboarding season is over.
That is my new plan.
:)

In other news, Anberlin at Fall Fest was awesome. They were a lot more fun than I expected. The Game is a joke, but I loooooved his gang that meandered up on stage during his first song. Am I wrong or is DJ Crystal a pretty good DJ? He should have just DJ'd all night instead of the gangsta rap. While we were walking away the Game sampled This is How We Do in some stupid remix of his and it made me think of Cam. That was totally how we did, pretending to be at Bible Study for an extra hour and kickin' it with Sarah and Tess crammed in the back of Sarah's car instead, thinking we could rule the world. You know. Before he went to jail, came back, we started dating, he cheated on me, i forgave him, we became friends again, and then you all know what. Man. Sophomore year.

School is taxing, but I'm learning that I need to really take time off on Saturdays. Don't just have a pretend Sabbath, have a real one. Tomorrow's plan is to go to Jo-Ann's and buy my curtain fabric then spend some time with God before studying, going to the store with Afshawn, and making Chicken Pot Pie/a veggie pot pie for Mason if he comes. I'm excited to start Saturday Night Dinners again.

is not quite sure what to do about her dear friend rob. he's quite an interesting character and dilemma in my life.
quite like the new additions I've made to my room though. after church tomorrow I plan to finish up, then do homework before the game and work.
I've been watching Wuthering Heights on netflix watch instantly, and I'm really enjoying the way it's been done. The story is so effing painful though. Catherine and Heathcliff are just so mean to each other. Miserably awful to one another.
it's cold! :)

It's really obnoxious that Favre keeps fake-out retiring, then coming back, and being GOOD.

in other news, my Flood performance was today. And it was awesome. I really loved dancing with everyone, and the congregation seemed to really get it. At least the people we talked to. I'm gonna miss rehearsals, honestly. :(

Gotta figure out when I'm going to dance this quarter.

I have been doing nothing creative since I got back from Uganda.
It's like my desire to produce that was rampant in Uganda, eagerly just waiting to get back so I could make something, fizzled into a dead little blob.

all i want to do is sit. and read. or watch something on tv. not feel, not process, not make.

I'm sorry that I'm exhausted, okay? I'm sorry that I don't want to push through being exhausted, waking up at 7, working 8:30-3, then dancing for 45 minutes from 4:15-5, to go out tonight. I'm sorry that the energy I have right now is only enough to curl up in bed and never move.

and I'm mostly sorry to myself. because I miss the intense fire inside that told me I didn't have to be the broken girl any more and that I wouldn't let it get me. I wish that I could just sit and not feel guilty for just sitting. But I know--I KNOW--if I were to have done any of the things that have been put in front of me tonight I would have spent the night feeling awkward and out of place and sad and fighting it the whole time and then come home and cried until I shook myself out of it. So I'm just skipping the whole thing and going straight to the end.

On the upside, I finished a really bomb book yesterday and love love love it. I also really really love my roommates. Our apartment situation is totally rad. I love our apartment. At least, for once in the last two point five years, I love my home. That is a really big and positive change.

School starts tomorrow and all I want to do is finish my book.
oh, and look snazzy in the morning still.
Guess I'd better get to it then! hahaha
really though.
class isn't till 11.

Tomorrow's prospects:
Class at 11 WITH (dun dun dun dun!) Rob Ross! Andrew Ruiz! Sholah! and Co!
Potentially hanging out with Rob after class.
Hanging out with Scott after he's done with lunch.
Chillin' at Earl's Place until my next class at 4:00.
Kicking it some more at EP until Upper Room? Maybe?
RESTING.

I'm most excited about the fact that out of the blue Rob and I have class together. That was a sweet text. I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM IN MORE THAN THREE MONTHS. what is this nonsense.

Peace out. Going to read.

1. effing love my new icon.
2. it's darren spoles ps.
3. awwwe, freshies moved onto campus.
4. but damn walking back and forth between cars explaining breakfast tickets for 6 hours really kills your feet.
5. Freshies!
6. bomb ass new monitor and set up of the speakers Carson got rid of by giving them to me and Afshawn.
7. fresssssshiiiiiiiiiiiiies.
8. Orientation tomorrow.
9. Kickin' it with Scott at his coffee cart has been a highlight of both days.
10. having really rad OL friends has also been a highlight of both of these last two days.
11. Opening line of When Sal's Burned Down is now my theme line. How does one handle this?
12. hella sunburnt.
13. dear afshawn, i hope you love my list.

oh also, it's looking more and more like the RAs and the OLs don't really interact in training this year.
which is interesting.
long run implications of some people not being forced to work together are daunting.


nn.


i refuse to let anything spoil what fun I can leech out of orientation training. adamant refusal.

alrighty. Chargers pull through. Now the giants need 3.5 games on the Rockies and we're good. hrbgweflasjkdfwruf rwdlnsigfvrwekjnqlj adsla.

As silly as this seems, it's a legitimate problem.
I only watch Supernatural with Mike. Or cling to Mike when I'm stupid and watch it late at night with no one else in the house.
Mike doesn't exist anymore.
what do I do?
it's the stupid little things that really make me feel empty about this.

staying awake for bad or stupid reasons has ended up having really good consequences lately. conversations that I hadn't expected, hoped for, or intended to have. i like when stupidity turns into something good.

So, I'm putting together this thing that I'm calling my "Heartsong" right now. Which is basically like... the verses in the bible that are especially poignant/have been important/healing/through which God has spoken to me in particular ways. Or just ones that I have really connected with. And I'm taking them and once I compile them all into a list, am going to craft them together, sort of like into my own personal psalm.
and it strikes me, as I read through the verses I've collected so far, that quite a few of my verses resonate on the theme of life sucking, but rejoicing in God anyways. I'm intrigued by the state of mind it belies me being in. =__=

I am excessively not a fan of the communication/understanding/brain differences between the male and female gender. If someone could please explain to me why one's best friend of a year could completely stop speaking to you--COMPLETELY--without warning while you are all the way across the globe in AFRICA and then continue the plague of silence upon your return, I would really appreciate it. My heart might stop breaking at least once a day too. But hey, I've got my girls right? I should just ignore it, of course, and push it off to male female inability to be true friends. Of course. hewk;dsajisfhrtljkwjekfsdjhjhqekjlkj;kdasoihsfgrlwkt.asd... RIGHT.
My hair is locking up better every day. It takes quite a bit of maintenance in the beginning though. it's been hours every other day so far. Yeah.
500 DAYS OF SUMMER WITH HANNA AND AFSHAWN TOMORROW. I'm completely stoked for this. I've heard so many amazing rave reviews about this movie, and to see it with two girls that I love totally and completely will make it even better.
Spent many hours in the ER with Afshawn tonight getting her knee looked at (old injury flaring up badly, she's in pain, but nothing life threatening or newly damaging). If you received any strange random texts from me, I apologize. It was a long 4 hours. haha. BUT it got Afshawn her meds and her orthopedic referral, so it was worth it. :)
I really really really want it to be winter. I know, I live in San Diego, what am I talking about. But I like. am craving the ability to wear my bomb ass jackets and my scarves. So it doesn't even have to be WINTER. Just get cold at night like you are supposed to La Jolla! I very much feel more like a scarves, hats, jackets, and boots kind of dreads girl than a surfer, bathing suit, cute dress, and flip flops kind of dreads girl. I play that game a lot, I just think my dreads look better in the former. Or they will. We shall see.

K. Night.

I have
a heartache a mile wide,
about 7000 photos to sort through and edit to some degree,
a website to build after I pick the photos that need to go on it,
a disastrous room to clean-up,
a best friend who's not speaking to me,
hormones making my life an epic fail,
really great awesome siblings who I love and hope I am not accidentally being a total bitch to in my weird state,
a really freaking great cat,
my teddy bear finally,
about 45 children who I miss to tears,
a rockstar punch awaiting the appropriate time to be drunk,
really great roommates in a really sweet apartment in SD,
bomb friends from Uganda also in SD (some in Nor Cal right now too!),
4 days left in Pleasanton,
and a need to really really commit to asking God to show up in a BIG way in my life right now.

yeah.
pray for me?

My cat's slowly climbing her way towards my lap right now. She's become very good at knowing when I need her this summer.

you think you are doing sooooo well picking a mix and match system where everything is small and affordable. and then you add it all up and come up with $102 anyways and you cry. oh IKEA.

designing my room is really fun though. :D

took advil before going to bed last night.
woke up with a headache anyways.
why does my body hate pleasanton so incredibly much?
headaches, stomach aches, acne, feeling MISERABLE, all magically poof when I land in San Diego.
well.
whatever.
one more week left.

going to go shower now.

Hooooome. home home home home home.
me and the American germs are having a fight now.
Apparently my immune system is better suited for African.
my national staff would tell me it's because I'm really African.
but yeah. I'm home.

Livejournal just acted like I had left it forever.
That's annoying.

Still in Uganda!

Uganda is great, but I have no time for anything. So my next real blog will come soon. I hope. Maybe. hahaha.

LOVE YOU ALL. Be home in like 3 weeks.

AH! Totally in Uganda. Probably most of you are getting my other email too, so this isn’t a big deal, but ahhhhhh. I’m going to update from here a little bit, just because I don’t need to be polite and nice and everything from my livejournal, like I do from the other one. I can just be a total nerd and crazy.
Uganda is unbelieveable. This country is more beautiful than anything you’ve ever seen.
I commented to my brain, the first day that we were driving here, that Uganda is the colors of my world: Red dirt, Green plants, and Blue sky. (RGB… if you didn’t get that. Hahahaha.)
The sky is bluer than I have seen a San Diego sky maybe ever. There are places, and days, definitely, that the sky can be this vivid in the states as well…. But not all the time every day. And the clouds. THE CLOUDS. The clouds are like you won’t believe. You know when people draw clouds like big and bubbly and individually puffy? That is Ugandan clouds. They look fake. Scott, one of my teammates, likes to talk about the cloud mountains. Because they do pile up like mountains. Reminds me of Howl’s Moving Castle every day of my life.
And it’s so greeeeeen every where. You know how discovery channel shows always show the safari and the yellow plains where all the animals are? Well that is NOT all of Africa. Not at all. There is so much vegetation and plant life here, I can’t believe it. It’s beautiful.
Anyways.
There are so many funny stories. Hopefully I will have time to tell some of them soon.
But I am safe and happy and loving Uganda!
Miss all of youuuuu.

I'm leaving for Uganda in 3 days.
I'm really really really excited.
but I'm also super super drained.
cuz like, finals week just ended.
and because of that I'm first of
all used to an overabundance of
afshawn and amanda and brent and
jk wood, which has now vanished..

the lines matching up was pleasing me a little bit too much.
I am really excited though. I'm just really drained from finals being so intense, then launching straight into working for 3 days, with all my intervening time being packing.
And I'm going to miss Mike so much. :(
and Afshawn and Amanda and Adam. :(
But honestly. I know that I'm just really tired right now and am missing my favorites and being happy at the moment cuuuz my family stresses me out, and that tomorrow when I'm just getting stuff ready to go and hanging out at an awesome beach house and refreshed from Flood and bringing my family to church with me and more ready... I'll just be ready to let God take over.

right now I am being clingy to my life. >_>

BUT AH! UGANDA! I FLY IN 3 DAYS!
WILL BE IN COUNTRY BY THURSDAY! :O AH!

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
READY.

I am full of blurasdhilwqajdasd right now. so i'm going to sleep. BUT FIRST SOMETHING AWESOME

Reader's Digest list of 10 Reasons to Love our Country


Invisible Children is Number 7! How cool is that?

of all of the weird things I've thought about time in college passing, like holy crap I'm half way through college, or i'm TWO DECADES old, or I'm almost done with one of my majors, or we're almost a decade into the 2000s, i've just had the most mind boggling of them all.

Rob Ross and I have been friends for two years.

whaaaaat?!

I know some really awesome people.
This freshman I go to church with, Spencer, made a mix of praise songs about living for God and taking God's love out into the world for me and the other Africa interns he knows. It's 1, a really good CD, and 2, just really awesome that he would think of doing that for us. The CD has a good luck wish and a promise to pray for me written on it as well. I don't even know this kid that well. It just made me really happy.

Now I need to finish the last page of my last paper. :]

just for amanda:
Today, I watched Twilight. I still don't find sparkles attractive on guys. MLIA

finding new songs that are really awesome but are really sad is kind of bittersweet.
but this song is really good!

Bat for Lashes, What's a Girl to Do.

We walked arm in arm
But I didn't feel his touch
A desire I'd first tried to hide,
That tingling inside was gone
And when he asked me:
'do you still love me?'
I had to look away
I didn't want to tell him
That my heart grows colder with each day

When you love so long
That the thrill is gone
And your kisses at night
Are replaced with tears
And when your dreams are on
A train to train wreck town
Then I ask you now, what's a girl to do?

He said he'd take me away
That we'd work things out
And I didn't want to tell him
But it was then I had to say
Over the times we've shared
It's all blackened out
And my bat lightning heart
Wants to fly away

When you love so long
That the thrill is gone
And your kisses at night
Are replaced with tears
And when your dreams are on
A train to train wreck town
Then I ask you now, what's a girl to do?


Actually, their other song, Sad Eyes, is also really good. It's just a sad band I guess. haha

I don't like the things you don't say
Leaving it for such a long long time
Why do you show me those sad sad eyes
Each time you decide to pass on by?

And when you smile
those sad sad eyes
look sadder and sadder still...

Autumn's hue in those sad eyes
Makes me love and love them more
I'll have a bath, I'll make the dinner
Then I'll go away for a long, long time
But still, you've not passed by door

I can tell that you're lonely
but it seems now, there's nothing you want me to do
I won't try to take the sadness from those eyes that I love
Leave it open for someone else to.

Trying to hold it together
Keep my love as light as a feather
Keep my heart breaking in the dark
Come and spend the night...

Giants Padres end the season playing each other in San Diego.
The Giants also play the Padres at home in September.

I am tempted to go home for a few days/a week in between getting home from Uganda and school starting... and doing it so that I can go to a baseball game while I'm home.

me: fool.


me: also thrilled that I finished my first real paper of this finals sequence.

this is a really neat article, that I got, once again, from a note my friend Sam Kim posted on facebook. He finds really cool things.

The Christian Paradox--How a Faithful Nation gets Jesus Wrong

even if you're not a Christian, its actually a really interesting article about how the Christian tradition in the US has been totally subverted, and actually sheds a lot of light (not its purpose, but it does anyways) on the hypocrisy which is the reason that many people have antipathy towards Christians.

anyways. I need to finish writing my essay, but that was a good break and I thought I'd share it.

I LOVE so you think you can dance.
No Air just came on on my playlist. which meant i had to watch the dance. then more dances.
whoops finals.

In the course of the last hour Rob Ross has sent me the two best texts.
1. the most confusing text.
2. the funniest text.
the confusing one wasn't relevant unless you know what we were talking about. but the funniest was good:

"shit i dont know who texted who last. Is it my turn i had to delete messages cause memory was full. FAIL."

I just figured out how to convert my favorite dress into a skirt.
this is important because the dress is too low cut and a halter, so i can't wear it as a dress in Uganda. But i can wear it as a skirt! Because it is totally past knee length. :D

So I've been reading this book for my Revolutions paper, by Hannah Arendt. There are all sorts of things in it, but this one I found really interesting. it's brought up in a discussion on hypocrisy.

"The heart, moreover...keeps its resources alive through a constant struggle that goes on in its darkness and because of its darkness. When we say that nobody but God can see the nakedness of a human heart, "nobody" includes one's own self--if only because our sense of unequivocal reality is so bound up with the presence of others that we can never be sure of anything that only we ourselves know and no one else. The consequence of this hiddenness is that our entire psychological life, the process of moods in our souls, is cursed with a suspicion we constantly feel we must raise against ourselves, against our innermost motives... The heart knows many such intimate struggles, and it knows too that what was straight when hidden must appear crooked when it is displayed. It knows how to deal with these problems of darkness according to its own 'logic', although it has no solution for them, since a solution demands light, and it is preceisely the light of the world that distorts the life of the heart... The heart begins to beat properly only when it has been broken or is being torn in conflict, but this is a truth which cannot prevail outside the life of the soul and within the realm of human affairs."

Today the Jungle laptops gained names.
by which I mean the laptops owned by myself and my future roommates.

Mine is Grand Central.
Afshawn's is Archduke Ferdinand.
Amanda's is Johan (like Bach).

Grand Central is Grand Central because it's like a transit station. I hardly keep anything on it for longer than it takes to edit and transfer from my computer to ipod and/or external drive.

also today I got the perfect sunburn. Which sounds funny, but its a fact. Tomorrow, this will be a perfect tan because today it is the perfect burn. I DIDNT DO IT ON PURPOSE THOUGH. the stupid bus was late so I sat an extra 30 minutes when I had left on time to NOT get burned. Sad Sad Sad.

anyways. back to my essay.

i am stressin' right now.
and you know what I want to be doing?
preparing for Africa.
I want to be finding supplies to bring, doing extra fundraising work to help my team members, writing thank you letters to all my supporters, writing and finding good devotionals, finalizing my testimony I was supposed to have finished weeks ago, talking to God more, getting my stuff ready to go.
instead.
i am stressing out about school work and my body is going into broken mode which makes my emotions go crazy and then I just get mad at everyone or sullen and sulky.
its great.

BUT. I'm taking the night off. or at least the next few hours,
I'm going to curl up in bed, read some comics, read some of my Bible, maybe watch an episode of Supernatural, and most probably take a nap. Then go to this dance performance I have to see, then read the rest of my revolutions book. SO THAT! Tomorrow, I can write my 119 paper. SO THAT! On Sunday, we can finalize our film and I can write my Vis 70 paper. SO THAT! On Monday, I can study all my poli 12 slides and write my poli 12 paper. SO THAT! On Tuesday I can just do the study guide. SO THAT! On Monday, I will rock the final.

I just realized.
I really should stop freaking out. Studying and paper writing for poli 12 will only take me 1 day.
And then I have like 6 hours after my poli 12 final to write/finish my vis 70 paper.

I know I shouldn't procrastinate. But I think this whole scheduling things so that I don't procrastinate made me FREAK OUT when I didn't need to be. huh. this is. relieving.

sad fact is I really did realize this just now.